A Memory of Patrick
by Chloe Walker
Summary: Eventhough Patricks dead he's left Lara with a lasting reminder. Will she be able to cope? Please R+R! **Finished!!**
1. Default Chapter

These characters don't belong to me, if they did then Patrick wouldn't be dead and everyone would be happy!!  
  
If you like this then there are more parts, but I'd like feedback before I post part two!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Shit!"  
  
Lara looked at the little stick again, how the hell could she be pregnant. well she knew how of course, she was a doctor, but why. She should have known that something was wrong before now, how could she and Patrick have been so stupid, now she was left alone to cope with this. She raised her eyes upwards,  
  
"Thanks a lot Spiller!" she exclaimed as she began to cry.  
  
She sat in the floor and let the tears roll down her face, she couldn't do it, she couldn't be a single mum, couldn't bring up Patricks baby, it would just be too painful.  
  
She had finally managed to get herslf together after Patrick had died, managed not to break into tears everytime someones husband had died at work. Then she realised that she'd missed her last two periods, with the stress of everything that had happened she'd just ignored it. Then a couple of mornings ago she realised that her jeans were too tight, there was no way she could have put any weight on, she hadn't eaten properly since Patrick had died. So she had put two and two together and headed out to the chemists, this was her third test, she thought there must have been something wrong with the first, then with the second, but deep down she knew that three pregnancy tests couldn't all be wrong. That was it. She was pregnant, with Patricks baby.  
  
She didn't know how she would cope, she didn't think she could face having a constant reminder of Patrick around her, could she? She reached to her neck and found the neclace, she gripped the ring in between her fingers and imagined how different thigs could have been. She had seen the hurt on Patricks face when he found out Rachel had died, pregnant with his baby. As much as he tried to hide it from her Lara knew how much that had hurt him. She wondered what he would have said if she had had to tell him she was pregnant. He'd be shocked, she knew that, they'd always been careful. Lara couldn't help but think maybe she was supposed to have this baby, maybe it was a last gift from Patrick, it would be something to remember him by.  
  
She stood up and walked into her bedroom, her head was spinning but she knew she'd have to get some sleep or she would be no use at work in the morning.  
  
****************************  
  
Lara groaned as she rolled over and hit the alarm, she really didn't want to get up. Suddenly she jumped up, ran into the bathroom and threw up. As she kneeled over the toilet last night came flooding back to her. At first she thought it was a dream, but it wasn't she really was pregnant. She glanced at her watch and realised she was running late, she jumped in the shower and threw on some clothes, grabbed her bag and rushed to the hospital.  
  
She walked quickly into the staff-room and saw Dillon.  
  
"Hi Lara" He turned around and looked shocked. "You look....erm...."  
  
"Awful? Terrible?" Lara offered smiling weakly.  
  
"Tired. Are you OK? You told me you were sleeping properly, are you sure you're OK?"  
  
She thought about telling him the truth but then decided against it. "I'm fine, i just had a late night, really I'm OK."  
  
Dillon looked unconvinced and Lara didn't blame him. She hadn't been out since Patrick died, there was no way he'd belive her late night story.  
  
"OK then." Dillon thought it would be best not to push things. "You know you can talk to me any time don't you."  
  
Lara nodded. "Thanks. I'd better get to work." With that Lara walked out of the room.  
  
On her way through reception she passed Colette.  
  
"Colette?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Are you doing anything tonight? Its just well I need to talk to you. I thought maybe we could go out for a drink?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm off at 8, are you OK?"  
  
"Yeah, i finish at 8 too, I'll meet you in the staff room." 


	2. Making A Decision

I'm so sorry this part has taken so long, the disk messed up and coz I've been doing exams I haven't been able to re-write it, sorry!  
  
I don't own any of these characters, so don't bother suing me, I have exactly œ1.47 to my name!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Colette and Lara are in the pub after work  
  
After twenty minutes of idle chatter Colette decided to find out what was really going on.  
"Lara, are you OK?" she asked.  
"Yeah.well no. I'm pregnant."   
"Oh." Colette looked shocked. "Is it Patrick's?"   
"Of course. Do you think I'm some sort of sl.!"   
"Lara, I'm sorry." Colette interrupted. "Its just that it been about three months and you've only just found out."   
"I know." She smiled weakly. "I'm a credit to the medical profession aren't I!"  
"So er. what are you going to do?" Colette asked.  
"I don't know. I mean I loved Patrick, I still do, its just I don't know if I can cope on my own. I have to make up my mind soon but it still doesn't seem real."   
"You wouldn't be on your own Lara, there's me and Josh, Anna and you know Dillon would do anything for you."   
"I know and I really appreciate all that everyone's done for me lately but I don't want to be relying on people forever, you know me I like my independence. Colette what was it like for you, giving up your daughter?"   
"Giving up Natalie was the hardest thing I've ever done. I let my mum force me into something that I didn't want and ended up regretting it for the next sixteen years, it was awful."  
"I'm sorry, I was just curious."  
"That's OK, really."  
  
*****  
  
Lara finally got home and sat down on her sofa, she and Colette had spent nearly two hours going over Lara's options, now her head was spinning.  
Adoption. Lara knew that she couldn't do that. There was no way she could carry her baby for nine months and then just give it up to someone else. And there was always the possibility that one day in the future the child could just turn up, demanding to know why she'd been given up. Lara knew that she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she just gave up her and Patrick's baby.  
That left having the baby, or an abortion.  
Could she do that? Could she kill Patrick's baby? But on the other hand if she had it it would change her life. Although she didn't want to be selfish she had to think about herself. She'd worked hard to get where she had, but no hospital would want to hire a pregnant registrar that would be going on maternity leave in a couple of months. Her career would be put back at least a year, she always thought she would make consultant but with a baby on her own that seemed doubtful.  
With everything still spinning in her mind she fell asleep.  
  
***************************************************  
  
She was late for work the next morning, after throwing up three times.  
"Oi, Stoneface, what time do you call this?"  
"Get lost Simon."  
"Good morning to you too." he said as Lara pushed past him.  
Simon turned to Colette, "What is her problem?"  
"Just lay off of her a bit please Simon, she's been through a lot and now...well...lets just say she's still got a lot on her plate."  
  
*****  
  
Lara sighed; thankfully her shift was nearly over, just time for one more patient then home. She picked up the notes and walked into cubicle 4.  
"Afternoon Miss Willis, what seems to be the problem?"  
"It's my arm, I fell...Todd will you stop that please." She turned to face a young boy of about 3.  
"No!"  
"Todd!"  
Todd sat down on the chair by the bedside.  
"Anyway as I was saying before that brat interrupted me, I fell down the stairs, I tripped on one of his stupid toys."  
"OK, let's take a look at you shall we."  
Lara began examining Miss Willis's arm.  
"Mum...Mum...Mummy..." Todd whined.  
"What?!"  
"I want some sweets, I'm bored I want to go home."  
"Will you just shut it for two minutes you idiot!"  
Todd began to cry.  
"I tell you what, why don't I take Todd out to sit with our receptionist, he'll be fine with Jack."  
"Whatever, just get him out of my site."  
Lara took Todd by the hand and led him out to reception.  
"Jack meet Todd, Todd meet Jack. Do me a favor and look after him while I treat his mum."  
Sure." Lara walked off hearing Jack in the background, "Right do you like sweets Todd...?" She smiled.  
"Miss Willis, I've had a look at the X-ray we took earlier and I'm afraid you'll have to stay overnight so our orthopedic team can operate in the morning. Now have you got any family I can call to come and get Todd?"  
"No there's no-one else, just me and him." She paused. "To be honest I can't cope anymore. His dad walked out a month after he was born. I thought I'd be OK but Todd takes after his father, and he was a git. You have to do something, can't I get the brat adopted, put into care, anything? I just can't cope anymore."  
"Miss Willis surely you don't mean that."  
"Yes I do, I don't want him! I hate him and I hate his father please just get rid of him for me."  
"Excuse me."  
Lara ran out of the cubicle and into the toilets where she threw up for the fourth time that day. She didn't want to end up like that women, no way. She didn't want to hate her child and she didn't want to end up hating Patrick for leaving her like this. No, she could go through with this.   
She went into the staff room and got out her mobile, she had the number of the clinic on a leaflet she picked up earlier. She took a deep breath and began dialing.  
"Hello is that Holby City Clinic? I'd like to make an appointment.... as soon as possible please."  
  
  
  
The next part will be soon, my exams are nearly over, I promise!! 


	3. Is this the right thing?

Told you this chapter wouldn't take long!!  
  
Chapter 3  
  
That night Lara got home and called Colette.  
"Hi Colette, it's Lara."  
"Hi, how are you?"  
"I'm OK, look I've booked an appointment at the clinic for thursday, will you come with me?"  
"Yeah, of course I will, what time is it? I'm not on till 8, want me to try and change my shift?"  
"No, thats fine, my appointments at 10, it'll all be over in time for you to go to work. Are you sure you don't mind?"  
"Honestly, its fine, but Lara, are you sure this is what you want to do? Because once its done there's no going back."  
"I know and I've thought about it a lot. This is the only thing I can think of, I'll be OK."  
"Well if your sure..."  
"I am. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"OK, bye."  
"Bye."  
Lara glanced at the clock and realised that it was 10, she was on at 8 the next morning, and she hadn't been sleeping well the past few days, she was exhausted. She climbed into the large bed, which had felt so empty since Patrick had gone. She glanced over to the picture of Patrick on the side of her bed.  
"I'm so sorry, please don't think that I love you any less, this isn't why I'm doing this. I just don't think I can cope on my own. I really am sorry."  
Lara began crying and slowly lowered her hand down onto her stomach. She could feel the small bump and momentarily allowed herself to think about the tiny life growing inside of her, it was a part of her and a part of Patrick. More tears rolled down her face and, as though her stomach was on fire, Lara quickly pulled her hands away.  
That night she cried herself to sleep.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Lara some how managed to get through the next two days and had begged Max to let her have thursday off, although he didn't seem too impressed he eventually agreed and told her he'd get Simon cover her shift.  
Thursday morning Lara woke up, after only managing to get three hours sleep, she threw up and went through the motions of getting dressed, not really paying much attention to what she was doing, her mind was elsewhere.  
She heard knock at the door, she ran downstairs and answered it.  
"Hi Colette."  
"You ready?" She asked Lara.  
Lara nodded.  
"I'll drive, then I'll drive us home, you'll be in no state to drive."  
"Thanks Colette, for everything."  
Thats OK."  
The drive to Holby Clinic was silent. Lara's mind was still spinning and she didn't know if she was 100% sure that this was what she wanted. She'd attended the compulsory counselling session yesterday and before she had walked in she was sure this was what she wanted. 10 minutes into the session and she had began doubting herself. She had always thought that something would just click and immediatly everything would become clear, but she was now beginning to see that that wasn't the case.  
"Colette, do you think you could have coped with Natalie on your own?" Lara asked as they pulled into the car-park.  
"Yeah, thinking about it now I probably could have. But I was only young then. My life wouldn't be how it is now and I'm happy with Josh but if my mum hadn't been so insistant that I gave Natalie up I would have kept her. I think I would have been OK. Why do you ask?"  
"I was just wondering."  
"Lara I know I've already asked you but are you sure this is what you want?"  
Lara nodded, but Colette noticed the uncertainty on her face, before she could comment Lara had got out of the car and was walking towards the entrance. Colette sighed, climbed out of the car and followed her.  
They walked into the reception.  
"Good morning, do you have an appointment?" The receptionist asked cheerily.  
"Yes, erm 11'O' clock, Doctor Lara Stone."  
The receptionist glanced up and Lara could tell she was wondering how good a doctor she could be if she'd got herself into this state.  
"Oh yes, if you'd like to take a seat I think we're running a bit late but it shouldn't be long." she replied.  
Lara and Colette went and sat in two empty seats in the corner, Colette picked up a magazine, figuring that Lara needed some time to think. Lara looked at the women around her.  
To her left there was a young woman, in fact she wasn't a woman, she was just a girl couldn't have been more than 15. Next to her, holding her hand was her silent mother. On Lara's right there was a young couple in their twenties, she wondered what their story was. Maybe they wanted their child but their was something wrong, or maybe they had decided that now wasn't the right time, maybe in the future but not now, they had loads of time to have children. Suddenly it struck Lara, if she had this abortion then that was it, she'd never have Patricks child this was her only chance she wouldn't have it again. She realised what she had to do, she nudged Colette and stood up.  
"Come on lets go."  
"What?"  
"I don't want this, it isn't right. Come on lets go get some lunch, I'm starving!"  
Colette smiled, stood up and followed Lara, they walked past the reception.  
"Cancell my appointment please"  
"Are you sure Doctor Stone?"  
"Yeah, I want to have this baby."  
They walked back to the car and for the first time in over a week Lara was smiling.  
"I knew you'd change your mind." Colette told her.  
"How?" Lara asked confused.  
"Well you loved Patrick so much, I knew you wouldn't want to give up his child, your going to be a great mum."  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
"I had to let you decide for yourself, I didn't want you to change your mind because of me. I've been through all that and if I'd said anything you would have ended up hating me. I did wonder how long it was going to take you though, you left it a bit late!"  
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, come on, lets get out of here!"  
  
*****  
  
That night Lara sat in bed looking at Patricks photo.   
"Patrick I'm going to have our baby, and I'm going to look after it as well as I can. I can't believe I ever considered giving this up, I'm sorry. I think I'm going to be OK, I love you."   
Lara placed her hands on her stomach once again and this time, instead of crying she smiled and felt the love she had for her unborn child. She knew then that she'd be alright, even if she had to do this without Patrick, he would always be there looking after them both.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Hope you liked it, please review!! 


	4. Telling everyone

This is only a short chapter.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
The next day Lara walked into work smiling.  
"You alright Stone?" Simon asked?  
""I'm great thank you. Oh and by the way, you've got a chance at the Registrars job now"  
"Why? You realised you don't stand a chance against me?"  
"No, if I was going for it then I'd wipe the floor with you. But I'm not applying."  
"Scared?"  
"No, its not really worth it, I'll be cutting down on my hours for a while, then I'm going on maternity leave, don't know when I'll be back."  
Simon looked shocked, he did a double take. "You're...."  
"Yeah."  
"Oh....well..congratulations."  
"Thanks, but you better watch out."  
"Why's that?"  
"Well I'll be coming back eventually, then you're job won't be safe!"  
Simon walked off laughing, he didn't think he'd ever seen Lara so happy, he was genuinly pleased for her.  
"Hey Dillon," Lara called, "You got a minute."  
"Yeah, what's wrong?"  
"I wanted to tell you myself, I didn't want you to hear from someone else, I'm pregnant."  
"Lara, thats great, isn't it?" He asked wondering if it was what she wanted.  
"Well I was scared at first, but this is what I want."  
"Good, then I'm so happy for you. If theres anything you need you just have to ask me, you know that don't you?"  
"I was hoping you might say that." Lara began smiling. "In a couple of months my spare rooms gonna need decorating and I won't be able to do it." Dillon shook his head smiling, he'd walked straight into that one!  
  
***  
  
By the end of the shift everyone had found out and she'd been given advice from everyone. Useful advice came from Duffy and Josh, then there was the not so useful advice that Jack had kindly offered her. That was after he'd offered to babysit because he thought that babies were a great pulling tool!  
When she got home she was exhausted again but there was one more person she had to tell. She picked up the phone and dialled the number that had become familiar to her since the day of the funeral.  
"Hi....can I speak to Doctor Spiller?"  
"Hang on a moment."  
"Hello."  
"Hi Gorden, its Lara."  
"Hello love, how are you?"  
"I'm fine, I've got something to tell you. I'm pregnant, your gonna be a grandad."  
For the first time since she'd met him Gorden Spiller was speechless.  
  
********************************  
  
One more part to go, its nearly finished. Thanks for being so patient, I hope you've enjoyed it. Please feel free to review! 


	5. Last Day

Sorry its taken a while but stupid exams kept getting in the way!  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The past couple had been hell for Lara. Not only had she had to give up smoking but she'd also had to put up with Simon gloating about getting the Registrar job. Although to give him some credit he had been as bad as she had expected and he was actually doing quite a good job, not that Lara would tell him to his face.   
Today was her last day at work, Max had insisted she finish at 7and a half months, eventhough she had really wanted to carry on working for longer. As she got out of bed and looked through her wardrobe she sighed, she felt huge, she couldn't even remember what her feet looked liked. Finally settling on some hideous maternity outfit that to Lara looked like a bedsheet with holes cut into it, she reminded herself that she didn't have long to go.  
That day at work passed quicker than normal and after all most no time at all it was the end of the shift. The others were all working on a trauma that had come in so Lara went into the staff-room to wait so she could say her goodbyes. She sat on the sofa, relieved to take the weight off her feet. Her eyes felt heavy and she felt them close.  
  
Spencer walked into the staff-room and saw Lara asleep on the sofa. He knew that the others were clearing resus and would only be a couple of minutes. He bent down next to her and put his hand on her should.  
"Dr Stone....wake up." He whispered gently. "Lara, Lara"  
Lara moved her head slightly and whispered "Patrick?"  
Spencer didn't know what to do, he felt so sorry for her and admired the courage that she had doing this on her own.  
"Lara it's me, Spencer."  
Lara's eyes opened. "Oh." She sounded disappointed. "I thought you were.....I was having a dream and he was there..."  
"Patrick?" Spencer asked.  
Lara nodded.  
"Are you OK?" Spencer asked.  
Lara nodded again, she didn't want to speak for fear she'd just burst into tears.  
"I bought you something, well it's for the baby."  
"Oh Spencer, you shouldn't have."  
Lara unwrapped the paper and pulled out a silver photo-frame with three spaces.  
"You put a photo of you in there, one of the baby and one of Patrick, I thought that it'd be nice for you to have. I mean if you don't like it I could..."  
"Spencer it's lovely, thank you."  
The others all came into the staff-room.  
"Right, lets get down the pub and wet this baby's head." Jack shouted  
"You do that after its been born you prat!" Tony hit his brother.  
"Oh...well we need to practice, make sure we do it right!"  
Nikki, Anna and Dillon laughed, Jack really was one of a kind!  
"Lara you joining us?" Colette asked.  
Lara shook her head, "No, I'm knackered I think I'll go home and go to bed."   
"Oh Lara, just one drink come on." Anna insisted.  
"We've gotta give you your presents. I'll give you a lift home when you want to leave" Dillon offered.  
"OK then, lets go."  
  
*************  
  
Later in the pub....  
"I'll get the first round, seeins as its my fault your all here!" Lara said.  
"I ain't complaining, I'll have a pint" Jack shouted over everyone.  
"I'll help you Stoneface." Simon offered.  
"Thanks," Lara followed him up to the bar.  
They were waiting for their drinks when Simon broke the silence.  
"Look I know I've been a bastard since I arrived, but...well I just wanted you to know I'm sorry."  
"Wow, never thought I'd hear that!" Lara joked.  
"I've heard a lot about Patrick, you know they all think he was a great doctor. They said me and him wouldn't have gotten on."  
"He would have hated you." Lara said matter of factly.   
"Guess you two were a lot alike then?" Simon smiled. "So do you know when you're coming back?"  
"Not sure, but don't get too comfortable, I'll be back in A+E before you know it!"  
They carried the drinks back to the table.  
"A toast." Colette said.  
"To Lara," Max paused. "And Patrick"  
"To Lara and Patrick" They all repeated in unison.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Lara was bored. She's been at home for a month and was two weeks away from her due date. Everyone she knew was at work, her family were on the other side of the world and she couldn't exactly go anywhere exciting.   
A couple of days she'd gone out for a drive and found herself at Holby, so she'd gone in and seen everyone, her life was officialy pathetic! She had time off work and what did she do, go in anyway, just to see some real people!  
She heard a knock on the door. She waddled over to it and opened it.  
"Hi Colette."  
"Hi, i'm off today so I thought I'd come and see how you were."  
"You've got no idea how glad I am to see you," they walked into Lara's sitting room.  
Colette glanced at the TV, "Lara I can't believe your watching Doctors."  
"Yeah well they have more exciting lives than I do. I'm amazed how long it takes them to diagnose, I can do it in half the time! Actually I'm beginning to think maybe I took the wrong career path. According to this I can see a couple of patients and then have half the day off to conduct some torrid affair, don't sound that bad!"   
Colette laughed.  
"Don't tell me you're leaving us alone with Simon."  
"I don't think I could do that to anyone, don't worry, I'll be back." Lara promised. "Ow."  
"Whats wrong?"  
"Nothing, just a twinge."  
"You sure?"  
"I'm a doctor remember. So how is everyone."  
Colette filled her in on everyone, telling her about Jan and Charlie, what Jack had been up to and how Simon was getting on.  
After about twenty minutes Lara looked like she was in pain.  
"Are you sure your OK?"  
"No, I don't think I am. I need a glass of water."  
"I'll get it." Colette offered.   
"I'm not an invalid." Lara got up and walked into the kitchen.  
"Colette?"  
"Yeah."  
"I think my waters just broke!" Lara shouted  
"I'll call an ambulance." Colette reached for the phone.  
  
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I know I said one more chapter, but I lied!! Review, if you like!! 


	6. Jordan

Last chapter-finally!!  
  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
"Come on Lara, your nearly there." Owen encouraged.  
After Colette had called the ambulance they'd only had to wait ten minutes before Comfort and Finn arrived. Lara had insisted that Finn drive, there was no way he was getting involved. Lara had been in labour for 4 hours, and she'd decided she didn't like it one bit!  
"Lara I just need one more push, come on. One...Two....Three!" Owen told her  
"OWWWWWWW!" Lara shouted.  
Suddenly the sound of crying filled the room, moments later Owen handed Lara the tiny baby, wrapped in a blue blanket.  
"Congratulations, its a boy."  
Lara didn't know what to do, she just smiled, then she started to cry.  
  
*******************  
Later that evening Colette had left to start her shift, people form A+E had been popping up to see her, even Simon had paid a short visit, although Lara sensed that it was just to gloat about how well he was doing as registrar.  
Lara heard the door open.   
"Hi"  
Lara looked up and saw Anna and Dillon standing at the door.  
"Come in, hi Dillon."  
Anna walked straight over to the cot.   
"Oh Lara, he's gorgeous. Do you know what you're going to call him yet?"  
"Well I spoke to Patricks dad earlier, we both agreed that Patrick wasn't right, that'd be almost like we were replacing him. So we thought Jordan Matthew Spiller, what do you think?"  
"Thats lovely." Anna said.  
"Well me and Patrick would have been married by now, so he would have been a Spiller, Patricks dad seemed quite happy to have someone carry on the family name."  
Dillon and Anna smiled.  
"Look Lara we'd better get back before Charlie realises we're gone, he thinks we're just bringing a patient upstairs. We'll come and see you when our shifts over." Dillon said.  
"OK, thanks, I'll see you later."  
Anna looked over to the cot, "Bye bye Jordan."   
Dillon looked at her and laughed, "Come on, lets leave her alone for a bit."  
***************************  
Once everyone had gone and Lara was alone she looked down at the tiny bundle in her arms and smiled.  
"Hello gorgeous, I'm your mummy, and I'm going to look after you. Its just you and me though, your dads not here any more but when you're old enough I'll tell you all about him, I promise. If only he was here he'd be so proud of you, he'd love you so much, I'm sure of it. He was a great man, I loved him so much and thats why your extra special, because your a part of him." Lara felt a tear run down her face. She couldn't believe she had nearly given all this up. She looked up.  
"Patrick I don't know if you can hear me but thank you, thank you so much for giving me this. He's so special because he's a part of me and you, and I already love him so much. I'm going to try so hard to be a good mum and I promise you that he'll know all about you as he grows up, I'll tell him what a good doctor you were, what a lovely man you were, I promise you that. You would have made such a great dad, I know you would I love you so much. I really miss you and I wish you were here sharing this moment with me, I wish we could share everything together forever but I guess this is how it was meant to be. I love you Patrick Spiller."  
Lara began to cry but for the first time in a long while they were tears of happiness, not sadness.  
**************************  
  
  
Well there it is, finished. I hope you enjoyed it, please review!! 


End file.
